The Lapsed Blogger

Oh, my -- I used to try to post a blog twice a month or so, and here it's been five weeks! It's not that I've dropped off the face of the earth, that I haven't anything to say, or even that I've been too overwhelmed with life in general to put coherent words together. One of the unexpected side effects of being a fiancee is that I have somebody to share everything with. We talk more often and more deeply than I'm accustomed to in my little hermit life, so I don't have as many thoughts and ideas churning inside, waiting for the outlet of a blog. Instead, I share them during the evening chat, and they stop churning. The result is a deep, close relationship with my intended -- and a sad lack of blogging.

I've also determined that I will not gush in a blog, unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't want to subject the masses to the sort of saccharine goo that I hate to read myself, and I don't want to look back on my blog with disgust five years down the road.

Well, on with the blog. Another school year is racing to its close, and it has been a good one. I've been challenged, but not overwhelmed unduly. I've learned so much, and I feel that I am a better and more complete musician. On the advice of friends, relatives, and professors, I have changed my degree program to musicology, which will be exciting. I won't stop playing -- I'm hoping to finish preparation of my current repertoire for a recital sometime in 2009. My marvelous piano teacher of this year won't have room for me in his schedule next fall, which is rather heart-breaking, but I'll manage. He has done wonderful work with me, and I think I'll be able to continue, with the support of my other half. I'll miss working with him awfully, though.

In the past year, my playing has reflected my life. I suppose that's the way it ought to be, to some extent. Unfortunately, there was a long stretch of time when I was unsure if I would ever be able to play again. It took a lot of work, certainly, and a lot of personal growth, for lack of a better word. I got back on the horse again and again, with devastating results more often than not. It wasn't until I began playing in the midst of love that I had substantial success. Of course, my fiance was part of that, but it was more than him -- it was family and friends and students and coworkers. Playing for my great-uncle's memorial was the first time this year that I felt I could really make music. And I think you would have to know my family to understand. There is a depth of loving and giving that it would be hard to rival, and it was the most natural thing in the world to give of myself at the piano in that situation. And I think that was what had been missing -- I had gone through a season of fear and terror, and I had learned to wall myself off from the music I played. The music couldn't get hurt, but I could. At the service, I was finally able to break down that wall. I'm able to be a musician again.

There's more to tell, of course -- I've just begun a new music therapy program, and I'm planning curricula for a day-camp this summer. I'm also looking at some continuing education options during the summer, and I'm hoping to drop into the world of Renaissance Faire at some point, though it will probably be brief. But for now, I think this is long enough. I'm more than content with my present, and enthusiastic about my future. How different this spring is than the last!