Goals

First, let me say that I'm learning a tremendous amount with my new piano teacher, progressing quickly, and generally pleased. However, our philosophies of life are very different. There's this book we're all reading for our studio class: "Seven Simple Steps to Personal Freedom" by Gerry Spence. It's the sort of title that is a warning in itself -- rather like "How Can I Help?" by Ram Dass. The man has displayed no understanding of the definition of freedom, slavery, duty, or moral responsibility, despite his apparently firm convictions regarding those issues. His personal story is not one that inspires me -- his history of discontent, thwarted expectations and resultant depression, irresponsibility, and simple selfishness does not lead me to wish to follow in his footsteps. If his life demonstrates "personal freedom," I don't want it!

Anyway, this isn't really about Gerry Spence. Maybe I'll rant on him after I finish the book (which is a lot more fun read aloud in the fine arts department hallway...). Dr. V. asked me Monday during my lesson why I was trying to be perfect. I couldn't articulate a sensible answer at the time, and she directed me to change my goal to "feeling good." This struck me all wrong, but I wasn't sure if that was because it was an actual error or just my perfectionistic side getting pinched. Now that I'm not "on the spot," it's a clear as day -- perfection is a calling, not an option.

Some things that Dr. V. says require prayer and research to discern the truth. This is not one of them. It's not a question like, "Should I go to Prague this summer?" There is only one possible answer for any believer. We are called to strive for perfection. The end. It's throughout the Bible -- "Be ye perfect." "Be imitators of Christ (who was perfect)." "I only do what I see the Father doing and I only say what I hear the Father saying (says the One we're supposed to imitate)." There is no possible higher standard. Is this perfectionism? I wouldn't say so -- I think perfectionism has more to do with selfishness and a tendency to worship our own efforts. This is about becoming more like Christ, and maintaining a perspective in which He is the center. I'm really not a perfectionist -- I simply have high goals. And I don't have high goals because I'm particularly driven (I'm actually innately lazy!), but because I'm not the One who sets them.

How is this different from "feeling good?" The problem is one of relativity; perfection is always measurable. In perfection, there is no error. If there is error, it ain't perfect! What "feels good" or doesn't may change within a thirty second span. Sometimes, perfection "feels good." Sometimes, sin "feels good." The Arensky "felt good" when I played it at the Gallery Hop; it was so far from perfect that I was embarrassed. I can't afford to allow my feelings to be the primary measurement of any aspect of my life, or the standard that God placed before me becomes utterly ignored. And thus, I grow farther from Him.

I doubt I'll tell this to Dr. V.; we'll see if she asks. But I'm resolved to aim for perfection.